My so-called life.

The combination of having a one year old and being 28 weeks pregnant means I don’t get out much. With back pain and edema currently rocking my world, my life of late has been lived from the recliner. Which may sound lame, but is actually AWESOME. Here’s just one reason why.

The Bachelorette.

Yes, my favorite reality crap-fest is back for another installment. This time around, Bachelorette Ali has been looking for love all over the world, from Istanbul, Turkey, to Kirk’s Dad’s dead-animal-filled basement. I don’t know if Ali found love, but she sure found drama.

On the first episode, we meet a Bachelor named “Shooter,” who decides to explain to Ali just how he got that nickname. On national television. And yes, it’s exactly the reason you think it is. Surprisingly, Shooter doesn’t get the first impression rose, or any rose at all, for that matter.

Then we have the feuding between Craig M. and The Weatherman. Craig M. looks like a broke Bradley Cooper, and The Weatherman looks like a miniature Kerr Smith. Craig M. is a bully who talks big talk to the guys and likes to pick on the little Weatherman. The Weatherman is a whiny little guy who cries to Ali when Craig is mean to him, and he enjoys using weather metaphors WAY too much. Ali sends Craig home when he fails to form a coherent sentence during their one-on-one time. The next week she sends The Weatherman home because he is annoying as hell.

Definitely not Jack McFee.

Know what is even better than annoying? Krazy. As in Krazy Kasey. Kasey is there to guard and protect Ali’s heart. How do I know this? Because Kasey says it a thousand times. To Ali. To Chris Harrison. To the guys. To the television audience. To anyone who will listen. After a horrible one-on-one date that involves Kasey singing made up love songs in the style of an American Idol reject, Ali remains unconvinced. This is when Kasey realizes he has to step up his game if he wants to guard and protect Ali’s heart. So what does he decide to do? He gets a TATTOO. Of a SHIELD guarding and protecting a HEART. ALI’S HEART. Because if you haven’t yet noticed, he wants to GUARD AND PROTECT HER HEART. Kasey shows the other guys, who are all in shock. No one mentions that it is absolutely insane to get a tattoo for a girl that is dating like 12 other guys besides you on a reality show. Not to mention totally kreepy. Kasey is scared to show Ali his tattoo, but he finally whips it out (ha!) during a two-on-one date. A date on which, if Kasey doesn’t get the rose, he goes home right then and there. Did I mention this date was on a glacier in Iceland? Because it totally is. So Kasey shows Ali the tattoo, and she barely manages to not look completely horrified. Barely. Obviously, Ali gives the rose to the other guy on the date, and he and Ali fly away – LEAVING KASEY ALL ALONE ON A GLACIER IN THE MIDDLE OF ICELAND. TO DIE. Ok, not the death part. But believe me when I tell you it was totally awesome. Best. Dumping. Ever.

Kasey puts the K in StalKer.

The “other guy” on the glacier date was Justin, who was not krazy like Kasey, but he’s definitely in the running for “Douchebag of the Year.” Justin is a professional wrestler in Canada, going by the name “Rated-R.” On the first night, the guys voted Justin the one who was “not there for the right reasons” (meaning he was only there to further his career), but Ali decided to keep him around anyway. Bad move, Ali. Turns out, Justin was not only there for the wrong reasons, he had a girlfriend back home who agreed to let him go on the show so he could become famous (like all those other people who became world famous after going on The Bachelorette). But when Justin’s girlfriend Jessica learned about Justin’s OTHER girlfriend, Jessica decided to cal shenanigans on the whole thing, and informed the show’s producers of the whole mess. Complete with the sappy voice mails he left her while he was “falling in love” with Ali. But that’s not the best part. The best part is when Ali calls him out on it. Big, tough Justin does what any hardcore wrestling guy would do: he runs away. Runs outside, climbs through shrubbery and THROUGH A FOUNTAIN. While wearing an air cast, no less. He finally comes back to talk to Ali, and tries to deny doing anything wrong without actually calling his girlfriend a liar. Doesn’t go well.

Awesome.

The remaining four guys get hometown dates, which means Ali meets the family. Which is great, unless you are Kirk and you have a slightly creepy dad. You know it’s going to be awesome when Kirk’s dad says, “Ali, do you want to see my basement?” No, he doesn’t make her into a lampshade. But he does like to stuff dead animals. And hang them on the walls. All over the damn place. Oh, and we have some frozen dead animals here in the freezer, next to the pudding pops. Not at all weird. Now I have to confess, that as the daughter of a hunter, we would occasionally have some weird meats in the freezer along with the frozen corn and bomb pops (squirrel, anyone?), but it wasn’t the whole dead animal, fur and all. What if they come back to life and seek revenge? But I digress. Kirk’s family is really a pretty nice group, but Kirk still gets the boot, leaving Roberto, Chris, and Frank.

Sorry, Kirk. Perhaps Dad has a stuffed moose you can cuddle with.

Frank. Stupid effing Frank. Frank paints a picture of himself as this romantic, adventurous guy who left his cushy hedge fund job to live in Paris for awhile and pursue his dream of becoming a screenwriter. Frank is actually an aging hipster who now works as a “retail manager” and lives in his parents’ basement. He wears hipster glasses and his granmother’s cardigans (ironically, of course) and I pretty much hate his guts. Frank is the definition of “trying too hard.” Frank lays in bed at night and dreams of being Rob Gordon from High Fidelity. Well, you sir, are no Rob Gordon. You aren’t even Dick or Barry. And I hate you.

Die.

Ali, however, is really into Frank. He goes on the first one-on-one date with Ali and they smooch under the Hollywood sign. They go on another one-on-one in Turkey and he buys her a carpet? I don’t know why. Ali loves Frank, loves his family on the hometown date, and can’t wait to see Frank and do him in the Fantasy Suite in Tahiti.

But wait! Hipster Frank isn’t content to just fall in love. There must be ANGST! Frank is apparently still having feelings for his ex Nicole. He must go to Chicago RIGHT NOW to see if they still have something. He visits Nicole and realizes that while Ali is hot, he needs the guarantee of someone local because he is damn sick of living with mom and dad. So he professes his twue wuv to Nicole. But his work is not done. He must now fly to Tahiti to burst Ali’s Fantasy Suite bubble. I can’t really blame Frank at this point; Ali has already had her other two overnight sex dates, and who wants sloppy thirds.

Ali is heartbroken when she hears the news and there is all kinds of ugly crying and such, and Frank leaves, full of ANGST at having to break Ali’s heart. Ali gets her crap together and lets her remaining two men, Chris and Roberto, know that she is there FOR THEM. Because this show is all about finding love, and not about creating famewhores. Right, Bob Guiney? Right, Melissa Rycroft?

So who will Ali choose? Well, we have Roberto, who has the hotness trifecta:


• Latin
• Dimples
• BASEBALL PLAYER

And then we have Chris, who is adorable, ripped, and seems pretty down-to-earth, despite the fact that his mom died about a year ago. A storyline that the producers have beaten. In. to. The. Ground.



For once, I really like both of the final two, and think Ali has a tough decision on her hands. Not that this show is in any way real, but you know, suspension of disbelief and all that. Rumor has it that Ali doesn’t up with either guy, though. All I know is that I will be watching the finale on Monday, ready for some more ABC created drama! And I will probably be reading the Television Without Pity message boards several times daily to overanalyze Ali’s outfit choices, and then checking out Reality Steve for new spoilers. Not that I am into this show or anything.

I have problems.