Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I want to stab your face.

My employer thought it would be great to hire an intern. This intern would be helping me with some administrative tasks so I could focus on bigger projects.

"Great!" I said. "Do I get to choose my intern?"

No, I would not get to choose my intern. However, I was asked what characteristics I was looking for in an intern.

"Oh, that's easy! Someone who is hard-working and takes their job seriously, even if they are not exactly getting paid for it. Someone who is dedicated and reliable. Someone who is passionate about our cause."

Let me list for you the things about which my intern is passionate:

1. Going out to clubs and getting wasted on weeknights.

2. Coming to work late and hungover, complaining about how bright the lights are.

3. Calling in sick because she's throwing up and must have "the flu."

4. Not actually doing anything.

Listen, I know I am old and boring now, but I was young once. I liked going out and having fun as much as the next girl. I also understand that being an intern is not exciting. Eight hours a day of three hole punching can be mind numbing. I get all of that.

However, it is NOT OK to come to work still drunk. I am not stupid. You don't have the flu every week, sweetie, you have the jagerbombs. When I address your performance issues, the fact that work is interfering with your social life is not a valid excuse. Oh, and FYI, asking you to wake up when you're sleeping at your cubicle and drooling all over the desk doesn't make me mean. If I were mean, I would stab you in the face with my letter opener, as I have dreamed of so many times.

How have I restrained myself from jamming office supplies into her eyeballs? There is one thing - and one thing only - that has been getting me through. You see, my lovely intern is doing this internship for college credit, and guess who gets to evaluate her? That's right. Yours truly. My evaluation will help determine her final grade. In two weeks, I will get my retribution for having to listen to her throw up in her trash can every day.

If I can't have a competent intern, this is the next best thing.


nikki said...

Oh god. It sucks to think you'll be getting help then having to deal with this shit.

Sorry that you're dealing with it!

T. The Destructor said...

This makes me feel so good about myself. I'm an intern, and I've seen the pond scum that pretend to be interns at my agency, and I thought, maybe I was just being a nerd by actually WORKING.

Apparently, It's just interns in general that suck, and I'm every employer's dream :D

Hutch said...

The boss lady has been talking about approaching the local state school for in intern. This makes me question that! I'm a big believer in karma though, and that evaluation seems so fitting :)

Cecilia said...

I'm supervising a social work intern for the first time this year, and while I've been a bit more lucky, I could easily take any issues up with the school!!

In fact, it would be damaging to her record that she couldn't maintain a placement or even "fix" whatever she was doing wrong. It could lead to status evaluations and even expulsion from her program! You shouldn't have had to live with an intern as long as you have without taking it up with her school. The school can't just dump students at placements and think their job is done...they hold a lot of the responsibility as well!

I'm sorry that your boss and that school just stuck this on you without the opportunity to interview her first. I promise that not all interns are this bad (we have 4...and I love them all)!

Amber said...

I was a totally nerdy overachieving intern so I can't understand this chick's behavior at all. Hopefully the evaluation will be a wake-up call and I think you'd be 100% justified in writing that you wanted to stab her face.

michelle said...

omg that SUCKS. but this is hilarious: "sweetie, you have the jagerbombs.... If I were mean, I would stab you in the face with my letter opener"

at least vengeance will be yours soon :)

Steph said...

In agreeance w Michelle...

This post did help me rethink my position as an intern. Ooops! Never hung over or puking though.

Kelly L said...

Yikes. She will RUE THE DAY she first threw up in a wastebasket on your watch. RUE.

*evil giggles*

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