Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Birth control.

MTV has a couple of shows devoted to teenage mothers: 16 and Pregnant and the aptly named Teen Mom. Some people are afraid that these shows glamorize being a teen mom, and will make girls want to get pregnant. I don't really know if that is a valid concern, but in case you meet a teen with baby dreams, I ask that you direct them to the following:

Chronicles of a Pukey Baby

8:00 pm - The Peanut drinks a bottle. All is well with the world.

10:30 pm - The Peanut is happily playing in his Jumperoo, when all of the sudden: vomit volcano. The Jumperoo, the carpet, the dog, the baby, and everything within a five foot radius is covered in baby barf. He continued to jump while barfing for maximum distance.

10:30 and 30 seconds pm - Parental freak out. The Hubs decides to clean up the carpet while I handle the sick baby. He's trying to act like he's doing me a solid, but I know he's just afraid Mt. Vomsuvius will erupt again.

10:32 pm - The Peanut is laughing and smiling as I change him out of his puke wear, oblivious to the fact that he just emptied the contents of his stomach and smells like sour milk. I decide to put him in the tub.

10:40 pm - The Peanut is squealing and throwing his rubber duckie against the bathroom wall. Mommy is perplexed.

11:00 pm - The Peanut is sitting on the floor watching Barney when Upchuck: Round 2 begins.

11:05 pm - The Peanut falls asleep in my arms with a smile on his face.

12:00 am - I finally convince myself that he won't choke on his vomit in his sleep, and put him in his crib.

3:00 am - Finally fall asleep after three hours of checking on the baby and having a spazz attack every time I hear a noise on the baby monitor.

5:00 am - The Peanut wakes up, and he's hungry. Do I give him a bottle? Some Pedialyte (aka baby Gatorade)? I decide to just give him a bottle, which he takes happily. He then plays on the floor while I fight to stay awake.

5:50 am - The Peanut rolls over on his tummy, lifts up his head, and barfs all over the floor. He then goes back to playing with his toys.

5:51 am - I'm crying. I'm a horrible mother for giving him more formula. He's going to dehydrate and have to go to the hospital and it's all my fault. I wake up The Hubs and make him clean the carpet again while I strip the baby. Decide to leave him in his diaper. He laughs and plays, oblivious to the fact that he is dying and it's his stupid mother's fault.

6:00 am - Wrapped in my Snuggie, crying. Not even the glorious microplush can comfort me. I think all of these tears have something to do with the fact that I am sleep deprived.

8:00 am - The grandmothers have heard about the sickness. My mother-in-law stays sane and recommends I give him Pedialyte. My mother is convinced he has H1N1. I try to explain that not only was he vaccinated for H1N1, he actually has no symptoms of H1N1. She remains undaunted.

9:30 am - The Peanut drinks some Pedialyte without barfing. Success!

11:00 am - I inform The Hubs that I am taking a nap.

11:30 am - By this point, Hubs has come into the bedroom THREE TIMES to ask me stupid questions that COULD WAIT UNTIL I HAVE HAD SOME FRICKING SLEEP!

11:31 am - I may or may not have screamed "I AM NOT HERE! I DO NOT EXIST! PRETEND I HAVE DIED FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS!" at my husband. Oops.

3:30 pm - The Peanut has had more liquids without puking, and my dehydration fears are starting to be put to rest.

9:00 pm - THE TEST: We give him a real bottle.

12:00 am - Contents of bottle have stayed where they belong. No more pukies!

Ok, 16 year olds, still want a baby? Keep in mind that you probably don't have a nice husband who will clean up puke.


nikki said...

Ugh. I have no idea how I did it, but I managed to get a kid who didn't puke until just after he turned three. Then it was in the car after a huge dinner of buttered noodles, carrots and pizza. My car hasn't smelled the same since.

Hope your little peanut is feeling better!

T. The Destructor said...

OMG...even though I'm 27, that definitely makes me re-think ever having children...I would probably lose my hair with worry. Attractive.

The Ashes said...


Amber said...

I feel like the first seven or eight years of everyone's life are full of barf. I can't even remember the last time I threw up as an adult but my little cousins are constantly doing it.

I think you handled this situation well. If it were me, I probably would have taken the kid to my mom and asked her to fix it. This is why I'm not ready to have children.

michelle said...

oh. wow. :( im not 16, and im scared. babies are gross lol

glad the munchkin is feeling better

I Really Suck At This said...

nikki - I think I was lucky that it was just formula this time. I would have had a much harder time if he had thrown up actual food.

Tiff - What people say is true: there is something about it being your own child that gives you the strength handle it. But it's still gross.

Ashley - Just wait until your little nephew gets here! You will be introduced to a whole new world of gross!

Amber - I know what you mean. Kids have this amazing ability to puke and then just go on about their business. It's weird. I had a stomach virus last year and threw up once, and thought I was going to die.

michelle - Thank you! And yes, babies are gross. I think that is why they are so cute, so you can deal with the high level of disgusting they bring.

Sadako said...

Yeah, I think a day with a real baby is even better birth control than those "carry around an egg" projects.

I Really Suck At This said...

When I did the "carry around an egg" project in the 8th grade, I ended up with twins. I broke one of them, but cheated and replaced it with an egg from home. Unfortunately, if I break my son, I don't have backup.

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