Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I lost it.

*It's been Debbie Downerville here lately. I apologize. January has been rough on me.*

It was the perfect day to stay in your pajamas. There was a foot of snow on the ground, so why bother to get up and get dressed? I looked forward to doing nothing all day.

Then the call came. Dad was gone. Heart attack. Died instantly.

No. I just talked to him last night. This couldn't have happened. But it did.

I remember everything that happened in those following moments perfectly. It is a movie I have watched in my head a thousand times. I called the Bestie. I took a shower. I was numb, in shock.

I miss the numbness. It was replaced with a pain, not a sharp one, but a dull ache, right in the deepest part of my heart. For a long time, I felt the ache every day. Now it's only sometimes, but it's deeper, harder. He is really gone. Really, really. And I miss him so much.

It's a part of life. It happens to all of us. Our parents die. But when it happens to you, it's totally foreign. You've been dropped into a land where you don't know the customs or speak the language. You have no idea what to do, or how you are supposed to move forward. No one can prepare you for it. It will never feel normal to be choosing your father's casket.

It's been a year today. The longest and shortest year of my life. I lost a father and gained a son. I have experienced deep sadness and great happiness. But every moment of happiness had a hint of sadness with it, because Dad wasn't here to share it. I wonder when that will go away. I suspect, never.


The Ashes said...

If I could give you a big hug right now, I definitely would.

T. The Destructor said...

I think about things my father will never be able to do. He will never be able to walk me down the isle, or hold his grandchild (if either of those things ever happen).

I know exactly how you feel, the 'dropped into a foreign land' and all. You know.

*Big Hugs*

I Really Suck At This said...

Ashes, thank you. That really means a lot.

T., big hugs to you, too. I am sorry for the things you will miss out with your dad. I know just what you mean.

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